“What would it be like if you never saw me again? Would you be able to get over it?” —my lost soul of a friend, Mike

These questions seem hollow and I fight them with all the displaced martyrdom of a scream at the witch’s pyre. I refuse to accept this is the end because I know life is never as structured as insecurity, inferiority-complexes, would plan the unknown out — give an easy answer to your oscillating brain and nauseated stomach, overreacting nervous system, a sign you are afraid … fight or flight syndrome … you have every right or reason to be … I know this and you know I know this more than most …

You gave that to me, the painful jerk of foundation I needed to crack open the lid and let my personal pandora proliferate consciousness. Whether you realize it or not, this cements my essence to you in a way your manifested fear, the girl you think you love, that horrid abomination of life and experience random fate has called Jenny, could only hope to massacre again and again. ((This is futile for equations are blanced and she cannot exist without me …)) Do you not see how this all connects so delicately and completely?

At the toilet seat, as I pivoted on the brink of emotional collapse I stopped suddenly. I could not feel what it seemed I should. The tears and sobs were only echoes of a lie I WILL NOT swallow. I am not a linear pillar and I do not take pills as easily as many would like. I will not be toppled or be silenced so easily. Of all the personality objects and boxes people have placed upon me, they haven’t changed the complexity of my essence. This is only a period at the end of a sentence in a book of stories that never ends, even when I die, because it’s not about me –a human– it’s about us –humanity– For Jenny and you this is a whole closed life, which will end as soon as it begins.

And I am sad for it but I cannot bring myself to take it seriously. I laugh instead at the ridiculous simplicity of the trap and close the door. Everyone leaves their nets out, language is the web and screw and opening, and I have seen this equation all before.