i have rationalized myself into corners i cannot deal with … depressed and repressed tendencies in an effort to reprogram, timothy leary style … and i think i have to go into seclusion for awhile … work as i must, but this progress, this pressure of artistic success is NOT WHAT I WANT, even further NOT WHAT I AM, so i will kill it when i become it, i will kill myself if i become this … i am dropping out and becoming something i create, not an institutionalized bullshit spewing asshole >man< with no eyes ... i want to give myself and others more than this pedantic repetition of the starving artist, spiralling into apophenia discharges that make no sense ... if this means i am becoming subjective, so be it, if this means i am "copping out" so be it, if i am poor but can eat and buy art supplies, i don't give a flying shit about this piece of paper that tells me i am an artist because i have an art degree and a variety of supposed experts in the subjective have deemed my work postmodern enough to be postmodern ... fuck that ... i am an artist because i do art (duh, duh) ... and i am not doing art right now! make sense out of that ... (although not totally, prof. greg, thank god is the only salvation and i will miss his guidance) i am going to go make art out of a lollipop, a mattress and a window, with ST. Marcell Duchamp as my divine intervention/immaculation ... i'll be able to read again and work on my math and logic skills, which have been decaying for years in this haze ...