yeah, it’s happening again … i’m starting to want my professor because sometimes he is so damned hot when he’s passionate and KNOWS what the hell is going on, can put everything into context and spin you around like a top rocket … and i am so sick of superficial shit, and all the damned hang ups of young boys with their menstruation … i want to learn something in a relationship for once … i want to ask him out but i don’t have the balls to do that with a 35 year old man, especially my TEACHER … and he intimidates me something awful because he is so intelligent and a real human being, i can see him in a timeline so far ahead of me, where all my thoughts are just beginning, all my artistic ventures just uncurling beyond cliched or figurative bullshit … my art is starting to get complex, i have a faint feeling that i might be going somewhere with these apophenia strands … and it’s partly thanks to him … i’m leaving this town soon because i can’t stand this school … i want to keep in contact, but am woefully inept at social exchanges as of late 🙁 it’s just i get so nervous and i feel so young these last couple months … i am realizing how green i am, how far i have left to go and how difficult it is going to be, artistically and as a person … not that i’m giving up, more like i’m letting myself feel the strain for the first time in my life and really trying to link the roots to where all this comes from, who i am, and where i am, and what i might become …