have not written anything except expository rambling for college for awhile. I am living stable now, whatever that means. not enitrely sure why I’m bothering to write in this journal. Myself would say to myself that I require some literary hide-away. Anonymous but public. Interesting psycho-babble. i need the illusion of attention. as in, no applause, just the thought of it.
my local newspapers have denied my fine art submissions thrice times. This is quite an ego smasher. I don’t know if I’ll bother with it again for quite some time. Ego says local newspapers suck and can eat crumbs from anus hole, but inner skeptic pities self for resorting to the desecration of mine own orifices.
warning self against self-analysis, while eyes swim for seconds remembering the days of mind tinkering alone in the room.
I don’t recognize myself like I used to and I don’t really know what that means. Past percieved integrity is slipping as my mind insists pretentiousness is the worst crime against humanity of all. i think this is an elaborate excuse for not trying hard enough. but this is not right either. why do i feel like i’ve failed when i haven’t? I just finished my first semester of ass-kicking UW-Madison with a 3.3 (grading scale and class load much harder than previous;y attended private art institute for midwestern brats). as far as i know that’s damn great. strange days …
this week I ….
fucking watched the last pathetic star wars installment and felt an overwhelming sense of betrayal to humanity lurking beneath the surface boredom. goddamn george lucas, this man had every chance to make a profound social, political statement with his movie and all we get is anakin (so often confused virgins of my name substitute “annika” with “anakin,” yes it’s scarred me for life) stiffly growling: “if you’re not with me, you’re my enemy.” and i don’t even give a shit about the whole star wars franchise/legacy! george lucas if we ever meet i will cut off your damn members and burn you in a volcano and demand $8 from whom ever wants to see my video tape of the whole event. there’s dramatic irony.
played on a teeter-todder with a girl who has bright red hair! it was fantabulous! heaven in a moment, i tell you.
resolved to never again allow bad sex to happen to me … amerca doesn’t need more fucking amateurs …