I have dropped off the face of the earth for awhile … I don’t really know if I want to find my way back … i am actively engaging in fucking with my brain chemicals … i grow tired of old habits and ways of thinking … there was fear at first … at the realization i could never go back once the familiar synapses had been disconnected … my old chemical paths had to find new routes to jump to … i am doing this because the axon terminals, synapses, and nerve impulse’s paths had been worn, the old nerve roads forming grooves in which these wheels of consciousness were getting stuck in … i had been disillusioned for awhile, coming to the same conclusions because the paths were so ingrained … thank god for disassociative drugs … i find shame in admitting that i could not have done this on my own … i’ve tried and failed … but now that I have chemically severed old ties, i have no choice but to accept the changes and find a new mode of thinking … taking risks is the only way i’m going to find anything in this life … good news though, i am now learning how to use my own chemicals to go on mental journeys few could ever know …
dearest, do not find shame in yourself you are a wonderful mind — the chemical messengers and neurotransmitters in your mind operating at the synaptic gap stretching through axons and nodes of ranvier are not ingrained patbs but remembered they have the potential to always form new paths– you have not failed at anything dear // i hope you are experimenting with some ease — what sorts are you testing and trying via what method? dear be careful, i say this only because i care for you. be well
i was being metaphorical, kevin. i just feel as if habitualbehavior was getting the best of me and i wanted to sever it, cut it off permanently. i will not lie to you, the experiments i am doing right now with chemicals of personal and foreign substance is a bit risky, i really can’t predict what will happen, but i know that so far i am finding new ways of thinking, feeling, remembering that i had forgotten … i am finding life more refreshing, as if everything has been tilted and everything has a new sheen of interest …the best part is i am having these feelings of rejuvenation weeks after being off the foriegn chemicals … do not worry, i know what i am messing with and it is non-addictive, found in everyday products, it’s not even illegal, just not very well-known and i’ve done my researchon this …