flesh weighs heavy on my frame lately, i remember feeling lighter than this … months ago … i remember being more intensely interested …. but wausau has a way of making one stand still and never feel the motion of time sweeping by, the tornado-hurricane of time swiping by my pink nose, down-caste eyes …. i am leaving here soon anyhow, one and a half weeks left …. to canada for a little dip in a great ocean of two people I’ve never met, but feel as if i have a small but deep connection with more truly than most i have ever met in my life …. as strange and naive as that may sound, i have faith in it …. something i never say, ever about anything anymore … i think that will be a wonderful ending to this charade of a summer that has numbed my head to a low hum of silence and slight pain, slowly and incessantly, almost without notice … i want to feel passionate again …. i haven’t in so long it aches in my stomach …. i am afraid i have forgotten myself in these months of lazy, unchallenging summer fog …. to speak a sentence with feeling, and not just because i am angered by something that has plagued me for so long i have to say it … something i enjoy speaking of and wading in this pool of depth and sincerity that i can no longer reach with people here … it just seems a useless effort, predictably followed by, “why do you have to question everything? Why can’t you just let things be as they are?” or a great mask of confusion or even anger … sigh, silence has replaces screaming in these days of digging … finding again what i am and what is meaningful in this life …..