i want to self deconstruct to the point where i fall and cry until there is no sense of weight, no moisture of emotion and pride left, i know now the meaning of self-destruction and the confusion of why it was happening when i was so young … denial was my tool to betray myself and kill everything i knew because i had been betrayed by everything i knew, it was only justification, a process i NEEDED, i needed to kill it all because it was a construct i never created, it was all pressure and i wanted FREEEDOM, and I wanted to FALL … and I wanted that freedom and falling of not being grounded in ANYTHING, to doubt and deny EVERYTHING, so that one day i could rebuild to what i truly was because i feel and appreciate it all, i love it all SO MUCH it hurts, it is so painful, and i suffer gloriously day to day, i am in this wonderful agonizing pain of realizing who i am, how fascinating the world can be, how i can be a part of it and still be an individual, i must have truth and the vulnerability that goes with it and i must learn and be destroyed and be afraid and be ALIVE every fucking day until it kills me

one day it will, i know i cannot take this self-induced rawness of perception forever … and i want to get fucked so openly on a stage in front of everyone, i want to run in the streets naked and laugh when people point and stare at my quivering flesh, i want to be OPEN, TORN FUCKING OPEN, i want the stranger on the bus to touch my flesh, reach inside my shirt and thumb my breasts and waist and stomach that has rounded into those beautiful curves and the slightly protruding pouch of a WOMAN and his/her stare to match my own until we cannot take the TENSION anymore … and i can be a part of everyone and averything but still retain this eccentric grin and groan of individuality …

because it’s not about rebellion anymore—this discovery—it is absorbing and being absorbed and finding out who the fuck i am and what i can do … all that i can impossibly do … it is freedom …