Why is the average American household’s book of choice a Bible and NOT the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States, or at the very least the Bill of Rights?

And further, even though the Bible is such a common book, who (especially of the devout Christians that seem to have several copies) has actually read the whole ridiculous mess?

Reason being if any one had, they would discover (I think) so much silliness hidden within its 1000 plus pages that it would revolutionize the entire faith-based hegemony of modern day Christianity, namely Christians would not take themselves near as seriously as they do. I discovered several items of worthy note just skimming through the old testament with a friend and peering at a website with lego re-enactment of important Bible passages. My favorite? The one about burying your shit so as not to anger God when he goes walking about the earth. Runner-up? The one about paying the husband/father of a woman some amount of money for any wrong-doing done to her person (implication: that a man’s property has been harmed; that is why money is given to the man/owner in her life). My hasty conclusions are as follows:

1) It is the first and seemingly most comprehensive self-help book out there. It informs one in detail how not to anger god in a multitude of impractical ways, and in essence how to avoid sudden ghastly misfortunes from his wraith. Apparently, god is a rather sensitive supreme being. The Bible truly helps one get along with that omnipotent special someone in any monotheist’s life. Anything from identifying the right clean animals to eat (cloven-footed, cud eaters is apparently the way to go) to how much a man will receive upon the rape of his woman outside city limits is covered written in that odd “old English” grammar no one really buys. The Bible encompasses all aspects of life one could reasonably think of and many one couldn’t rationally concieve involved everyday experience. Like I said comprehensive.

There is no 2. I’m done being sarcastic about this book. It’s just too damn easy. On to more interesting things, like Annika’s choicest academic drivel meat. Did you know that sarcasm is an expression of irony? See understanding irony is rather simple: Irony is when someone means the opposite of what is literally said. So why do we still confuse coincidence with irony? it is those damn dramatists who continue to use situational irony. Situational irony often involves coincidence. This is the important distinction, though: there is an audience involved and the coincidence isn’t really a coincidence at all. It means something; there is a causal connection that only the audience knows about. And it being a drama or whatever is constructed to be meaningful. This is how it is different, especially from everyday experience. So was Alanis right after all? That is still being determined by irony purists and I don’t care anymore now that I’ve said it, soooo…. bye!