was there ever a time when black moons of sleepless obsessions did not mark me
did not cuddle my eyes so maternally sadistic
i thought once, long ago now
that all i wanted was some peace of mind, this “love” of all mankind
and some other abstract nonsense
i thought penises came in one of 2 physical sizes, too smart or too dull
i remember calling forth deserts from conscience
and i remember just as well the thirst of being deserted
i ran from myself here, hoping i was wrong, i wanted to prove to myself i was wrong
if human nature was not a force above instinct, possibly education would be so

but now i become the secluded suitor
too smart, too loud, for my own good

i become the digger of graves
as i look on in mock interest
for those whose persistence at happiness
tramples all the flowers, all the weeds, all the frogs and moths beneath them
i regress, digress, i fucking masturbate
but i choose
language revenge, forced violation, forced consciousness, forced awake
over people, this falsity those refer to as man/human/woman-kind
to obtain some needful indulgence, saccharine sweet, candy fleshed, and bone dry
i chose the meat over the sugar
as i should have
from the beginning

and since i have always been somewhat of a cancer to myself, i will eat from the inside out
as always

and i am just one step closer to hitting bottom
i do not have the courage yet

it will come when i am least expecting or wanting it
as usual