when people say to me they desire marriage and children, and i say to them that is something i will never do … i mean it more in the legal, physical, external sense because that desire still exists in me, i am not truncated and the product of a divorcee extrodenaire, where all commitments are shunned as a result of childhood fear (actually it probably has something to do with this, but not totally)

really, i desire such things as being pregnant and having children as well, but more in the internal sense, as having mood swings and months of endowed bulging sweat sweetness, times of pain and tired, frustrated exhaustion from this—these things growing inside me, widening my mental libia, crushing my innocence and virginity to experience the creation of life … and all the muddy depths progeny entails

does this mean i know what it is like to be physically pregnant? have an “in” no one else sees, so to speak? fuck no, but i do have my own ways for fulfilling desires, and i will clutch at them like a mother, and i will not let this pragmaticism and socialization of EVERYTHING seep too far into my womb to destroy whatever nestles there … waiting to be born again and again …

it always tries to insert itself, though, like a violation, a rape, when i am comfortable, so insidious it is to catch me in my moments of walking sleepy, dreamy eyed …

i am coming to find lunacy is a finite name for the unexplanable crevices people fear to tread because science cannot breach this realm of the free associations of human creation … it is an unknown depth, it is personal, it cannot be homogenized without the “splurge” affect as i call it … when you see mr. self-righteous fucking a goat he is so out of control to be in control

structure as defined by humans, organization as sterilized by beaucrats, definitions, definitions == easy ways out … order as confined and internalized by >man< 's tendency to avert entropy, natural chaos, unexplananle patterns like numerology and symmetry in nature (when i want math to show me the way, but it could be another complex apophenia as well, combined with the ringing of energy/magneticism within our vertebraes)... reflection: i see myself in EVERYTHING (it sucks, i want to be free from myself: futility) THIS IS ALL PERSUASIVE POSSIBILITY AND NOTHING CONCRETE EXCEPT IN THE ART THAT MAKES THESE THINGS EXIST >>> FREEDOM (my definition because i CAN create them on my own)

… i don’t care about all this prioritization of abstraction, this monetary elitism and the intellectual elitism (even worse) makes me cough something awful, instinctual competition as applied to things that should be available to everyone makes me nauseous and disgusted … are tools for oppression and suppression and cages meters-continents wide … everyone should have the learned ability and freedom of accessibility and culture to get high off books instead of reverting to the intellectual death/dismemberment/(anything this easy is a lie) of so many drug-induced, drug-based euphoric enlightenments, chemicals must be organized, integrated fully into the system to be appreciated/learned from, not flooded and treated with such abandon to their inherent magical quality of reacting within us. your chemicals will go blind …

i just want to explore my fucking existence, dammit … i only have so much time …